Belief & Trust
by wildatheartfan
Summary: Rax Oneshot, set in series 4: Silence. Searching for something that just wasn't there.


**A/N Apparently I've gone on a bit of a crazy Rax baby spree at the mo! This is a oneshot but with two different endings, i started writing it with one direction in mind but then changed my mind so I've written both endings. When you see the (-) that is the start of the first ending. at the end you'll see the start of ending two which carries on again from the (-) thing. If that makes sense! hope you like it - let me know what ending you prefer, I still can't decide myself! This is set in Series 4 Ep 4 after Rosie falls down the ditch.**

Series 4, Episode 4

I stared at the ceiling. Studied the cream paint that had been splashed on, no more than two weeks before. I strained my eyes, trying to seek some sort of mark or line left by the paintbrush. I don't know why I cared, I just didn't want to think about everything else that was going on around me.

I couldn't look anywhere else, I didn't want to look at the object to the right of me that would tell us our fate. Nor could I look to my left, to Max who was sat next to me gripping my hand as if his life depended on it. I guess in a way it kind of did. I knew I should never have doubted his care and protection throughout all of this, he was just doing his job. That's why he did up this place because he said it was his job to look after us to keep our new family safe and secure. Though I guessed something or someone else had prompted him to do something about it, he knuckled down, roped in Evan and made the old surgery into a makeshift home for us. And all because he was determined that it should all be perfect. I could feel his eyes staring down at me, but I couldn't look back. My own husband, of albeit 24 hours, and I was too scared to make eye contact with him.

Fear, fear that his normally trusting and comforting eyes would send me into a false sense of security when really I was sure that something was not going to be okay.

I never took much interest in God or religion, when my mum died Dad tried to teach me that we could pray and someone would look after her in heaven but I didn't understand. Same when Sarah died, I tried to understand - tried to believe that there was something out there that was now looking after her but if there had been why would they have taken her away? Guilt spread through me, maybe if I had believed all along we would have all been looked after. Maybe then I wouldn't be finding myself, ourselves in this position. Maybe we should have taken the whole God part of our wedding ceremony more seriously - maybe he was out there and now he was punishing us.

Alice's voice broke my thoughts, "Now this is going to feel a little cold" she told me.

I didn't care.

"Now Rosie please remember I'm not a medical doctor, I can't guarantee that this-"

I cut her off.

"Just do it" I stressed "please"

I shut my eyes as she placed the scanner on my stomach. The residue of tears still pouring down my cheeks, originally due to the physical pain I had endured but now because of the fear, the impending loss, the emotions. Max's hands twisted further round mine. All I could hear was my own breathing, my body rising and falling as Alice ran the scanner over my bare skin.

The wait felt like a lifetime.

Nothing, no noise came. Silence. Searching for something that just wasn't there.

I turned my head to look at the screen, my last glimpse of hope. If I looked myself I might just spot it, by some chance.

"Sometimes it takes a while to warm up" Alice tried to tell us.

(-)

_**Ending One**_

If only I could believe her. The worst part then came. Seeing Dad, out the corner of my eye slowly get up off the bed. That's when the last hope fell.

Dad can be fighting til the end, he'll think about giving up but he never actually will.

So he got up and moved and that's when my heart collapsed. Everything in me just fell. I knew it, any hope of ever finding our baby had just shattered.

I couldn't. I looked up to the ceiling again, searching for something, anything.

"Now this-" Alice began "this isn't a precise test"

I nodded. I don't know why. It killed me but I accepted what she said a long time before he actually said it. I knew in my gut there was no baby, precise test or not.

The tears continued to seep out of my eyes, my face and neck now wet with emotion. Max looked down at me, I could sense his tears too. Not that I could look at him. That would break me even more. If anything the news of the pregnancy seemed to make him into the happiest I've ever known him to be. He'd bound up to me with a new thought or idea, a name, anything. He loved it, he couldn't wait.

And now I'd broken him too.

"It doesn't necessarily mean-" she spoke again. "I'm sorry" she added.

I sniffed once more. Lying there, I felt lifeless.

We had never heard the baby's heart beat, we'd never felt anything, no signs on my stomach of a bump. All I'd felt was slight nausea and a repelling to the scent of lavender. That was the only evidence we had that the baby was there. Maybe the baby never was there, I did plenty of tests but maybe all the other side effects were imagined.

Alice moved off the bed and set about closing the monitor. Max leant down and kissed the top of my head, his scent surrounded me and reminded me of his presence in my life. As he pulled back I wanted nothing more than to have him in my arms. I put my hand round the back of his neck and pulled him into me again.

As soon as he enveloped me my tears became sobs. His arms wrapped around me, I sat myself up so he could hold me properly. My head now buried in his shoulder, his t-shirt wet with my tears as I cried and cried.

"It'll be okay" he murmured into my ear. His voice still marred with emptiness and upset, I didn't know whether to trust him or not.

His arms rubbed my back. I didn't want to pull away, it felt as if I could lose him too if I did. If I lost him what else did I have to live for?

"It'll be okay" he told me again now stroking my head. I could feel his tears falling onto me. I'd never really seen him cry before, not properly anyway.

During Sarah's funeral his eyes watered. I brushed away his tears but that was it. Only because he was a strong man, something I was so thankful for. When we got married his eyes only shone with pride, I cried. I cried during Dad's speech, I cried during Max's speech, I was so happy, so happy my life had just become so complete and these two amazing men were saying all these things about me that I just didn't think were evident.

But this wasn't Max, not my Max. Half of him was - the reassuring, holding me part but not the tears and the heart ache. That wasn't him.

"You okay?" I mumbled, suddenly ridding myself of my self-centred thoughts and thinking of the equally lost man that sat wrapped amongst me.

I pulled away and looked up at him, his eyes glistened but a small Max-like smile appeared. "As much as I can be" he nodded.

"It'll be okay" I repeated, I cupped his head in my hands and tried to believe the words I was saying.

If anything would get us through it was belief.

_**Ending Two**_

I sniffed back more tears, I couldn't believe my life, our happy near-perfect life was now shrinking away.

And then a thud came from the monitor.

"What-" Max whispered

I frowned but refused to believe it. Alice moved the scanner around again.

Thud.

Max tightened his hands round mine further - if that was even possible.

Thud, thud, thud.

"Is it?" Max asked as my stomach lurched. This wasn't how I expected to feel.

"Could be" Alice smiled whilst trying to squint at the screen.

Thud, thud, thud, thud, thud.

Max looked from the screen and then back to me. I looked back at him as the thudding became more continuous.

His eyes widened, a small smile creeping across his face. I simply stared back at him in disbelief. Suddenly I was cluttered with emotion, mostly confusion.

"Danny?" Alice asked Dad. He moved across to get a better view of the monitor and nodded.

"There's definitely something there" he agreed.

We looked back up to the monitor. Instead of a grey mass, something rather black and solid was shaped on the screen.

"Are you sure?" I choked, head strained to see this thing that I only prayed was our baby on the screen.

"I'm a vet Rosie" Alice reminded me, "I don't want to get your hopes up or confirm anything but I don't know what else it could be"

I was still confused. Even though it felt like a small weight had been lifted. Only a small one. In fact if anything it made me more confused. It didn't make sense - Why else would I have been in so much pain? After all, Alice was right, what did they know? They weren't actually doctors.

"That's amazing" Max whispered having kissed my hand "isn't it?" He turned to me and caught my eye before I was able to avoid it.

I smiled weakly at him. He nodded to get my agreement but nothing came, I was still so scared.

His eyes stared down at me, the water from the tears made them glisten as he scanned my own face for answers. "Can we just wait til the doctor's here?" I asked.

"Okay" he managed, probably sensing the fear that still lay within me.

Alice moved the scanner off my tummy at last and I reached for some tissues to wipe away the gel residue. Max watched me as I attended to myself, Dad smiled before exiting the room and Alice packed the monitor away.

"They shouldn't be long" she said.

"Thank you Alice" Max's warm voice spoke, "really. It means so much"

"It's nothing" she told him, "fingers crossed eh?"

I pulled my top back over me as Max finally let go of my hand.

"Thanks" I smiled as I sat back up on the bed my mind still cluttered with fear and hope.

Alice said no more and wheeled the monitor out of the room leaving us both alone in each other's company.

His arms reached for me and pulled me into his side.

"Don't be scared" Max murmured looking down at me, "there's no need to be"

"Don't Max" I shook my head, "Don't."

His arm squeezed me further into him, his hand brushed up and down my arm.

"Rosie you heard it yourself" he tried to convince me.

I studied the stitching on my jeans, "you don't know that" I muttered.

"What else was it then? I mean I'm no expert, the least out of all of us I guess but-"

"Exactly" I cut him off, refusing to give in to him just yet, "you don't know. Maybe it was my heartbeat"

"We'll just wait and see then okay?" I'd obviously gone far enough, he kissed the top of my head.

"Yep," I nodded, "I'm sorry but I can't let myself believe it until someone tells me it's 100% there"

"Okay"

He held me for a while longer until I couldn't wait anymore.

"Something must have happened otherwise I wouldn't have felt that pain" I shrugged as I moved off the bed.

"Maybe" he sighed.

And then I realised all my fears and doubts were breaking him too. I didn't want to cause him anymore pain, after all it took a lot to knock his strong wall of emotion and it was pretty fragile already.

"I'm sorry" I admitted, "we'll just wait and see okay?"

"Okay", he smiled at me this time. A Max smile, one that spoke of understanding.

We didn't do much for the next hour whilst we waited. We stayed in our flat and drank tea. Max caught up on some paper work or at least it looked like it, though I'm sure his mind was elsewhere. I went down to the surgery and busied myself until Dad arrived all beaming - and then he sensed my tone and I left.

I rifled through my wardrobe trying to plan what to take on our honeymoon but then the thought of celebrating our new marriage with this uncertainty still overhanging us became too much so I stopped.

Then the sound of a slowing vehicle arrived and Max quickly jumped up and out of the flat to go and find whoever it was who would tell me one way or another what was actually going on.

He reappeared with a lady who introduced herself as Doctor Koomson, she seemed nice and reassuring but I didn't let out much. I guess Max being Max would have prewarned her about my state of mind.

"Do you want me to um..." I looked up to see Dad hovering in the doorway.

"Don't mind" I shrugged at him

"Well-" he pondered.

"I think we'll be okay" Max told him. Bless him, Max knew what Dad was like but I knew he was also striving to prove himself to both of us, not that he needed to prove himself to me. He was right, this was our thing, not my Dads. As eager as Dad was I knew Max wanted to do everything he possibly could to be a good husband, he knew he had to share me with Dad but this time he just wanted it to be us.

"I understand you've already run an ultrasound" The doctor said.

I bit my lip, waiting for Max to do the talking.

"Yeah, Rosie's dads a vet so he had one. I mean obviously it's not on the same scale but there was something there. Something that sounded," he squeezed my hand "like a heartbeat."

"Okay" Doctor Koomson let out a small smile.

"I mean it's got to be something right? They can't be too different?" He was trying to convince himself, I doubted if it was worth it . I sense his panicked tone was setting in. He was speeding up his words, he looked over to the doctor waiting for an answer too.

"Let's have a look" she gestured to my stomach with seemingly the only answer we were going to get for now.

I pulled my top up again, and the sickening feeling returned again. I didn't want her to do it, I didn't want her to tell me what I didn't want to hear, what I feared.

I felt like jumping up and running away, running, escaping somewhere. Like when I was 7 and Dad reminded me that my Mum was never coming back. I'd scream and cry and run outside. Except I'd only get to the end of the garden fence, and then I'd feel Dad crouch down in front of me and I'd collapse into his arms and cry into him. Only this time Max could do the holding. I couldn't bear to see his heart break, I think it would kill me more than losing the baby. To see this strong man who always kept me standing, crumble because of something I'd inevitably done. The thought made me want to be sick.

I found myself searching the ceiling again, I didn't even notice the doctor place the scanner back on my stomach.

Out of the corner of my eye I saw her pulling the monitor closer to her, moving the scanner around.

I opened my mouth to speak. I was just going to tell her not to bother, there was no point. I already knew.

Thud, thud, thud, thud, thud.

The noise returned. I tried to blank it out, it sickened me even more and I don't know why, I guess I still didn't believe it.

Thud, thud, thud, thud.

Max had leant across me to look at the screen himself.

The doctor turned to us. "There's definitely a baby there"

Before I had a chance to digest what she'd told me Max had locked his eyes on to mine, they sparkled again. Like they had done yesterday, like when I told him I was pregnant.

Disbelief was still plastered across my face, I couldn't find a smile to match his. I didn't understand. He leant down and kissed my forehead before returning to the screen.

"That's the head" the doctor pointed to the screen. "An arm" she pointed again.

"Are you sure?" I managed. I'd spent so long telling myself it was gone I still didn't believe it was true.

"Positive" she looked back to me and then pointed to the screen, "that's your baby"

"But-" I began, my mind still racked with questions.

"Rosie look!" Max laughed "you can hear the heartbeat, you can see the little arm! I can't believe it" he breathed.

"I know" I whispered, following his gaze to look at the monitor properly. I watched the small black and grey silhouette on the screen, took note of the shape and listened to that thudding noise. I couldn't believe that it was actually happening. That she had actually confirmed that the baby was there. We could hear it, I could see he or she with my own eyes. Our baby, the little thing - half mine, half Max's. The only true thing that prove who we were and how much I loved him.

"Trust me" Max whispered.

I turned and looked up at his lit up face, the thudding that pulsed in the background. And I knew in that instance that, despite my clouded mind, I did.


End file.
